


then there's you

by hensei



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst, Canon Related, Cussing, Heavy Angst, M/M, Non-Graphic Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-12
Updated: 2016-06-12
Packaged: 2018-07-14 16:13:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7179458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hensei/pseuds/hensei
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gon provokes Killua to let his emotions out. To let the beast—that clawed away at his heart from all the things he keeps hidden—out. Gon wants Killua to tell him just how much he has hurt him. And Gon wants Killua to break the final wall standing between them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	then there's you

**Author's Note:**

> Gon is going to be harsh in this one. Because I feel like, there's a lot of unsettled things between the two of them. And Killua is never going to hold Gon against it, unless Gon makes it happen. And maybe...idk...maybe letting Killua break down would be the way to settle it.  
> Sorry in advance for mistakes and too much angst. Also!!! Slightly/some Mature themes

****They were watching the rain, on an abandoned village at the outskirts of the town they met at. They were sheltered under a hut.

It's been three years since everything. Since the war, since separating ways.

 

Killua thinks it was pure coincidence that they met. It wasn't. Gon planned this. After much talk and the usual familiarization with each other, Gon was ready.

His apology three years ago meant nothing if he doesn't know just exactly what he did to Killua. Just exactly how those words affected him. He wants to hear it from Killua.

Gon looks at him, all pale and glowing on the storm. Locks damp and silver against the moonlight. He swallows, feeling faint from the guilt of what he was about to do. But they both needed it. 

Honesty from Killua and realization from Gon.

It was a foolish foolish idea. Probably the worst. Worse than telling Killua off back then. Because this was stabbing a scar, it was pouring alcohol on an open wound.

It had the potential to break everything they had. But if Killua was hurt then, Gon thinks he should know just how much. Just how bad the wounds he has caused. Then he could apologize more properly. And he could redeem himself, if only a little.

"Killua," he breaks the silence.

"Hm?"

"I want to talk about that night." Killua looks at him.

"What night?" 

"The night we invaded the palace." Killua flinches.

"Really? Why?"

"Remember when we saw Pitou hunched over someone." Killua's entire posture started to stiff, like he just turned to ice.

"Gon—"

"I thought she was murdering that girl." Gon's voice was flat, insensitive. Killua doesn't reply, he averts his gaze away from him. "Something in me grew. Like the rage I held onto was doused with fuel." Gon continues. Killua bows his head. 

"I fail to see what's the point—"

"Something in me was saying, that's right. She's killing that poor girl. She deserves to die. Not just die. Suffer." Killua doesn't reply. Gon's mind was now on autopilot, shutting his emotions down. "Then she tells me to wait. To _please_ wait. I could feel my stomach flipping at that request. How could she? She had no right. No right." Killua wanted to vomit. Tasting bile at the back of his throat.

"I'm not doing this." Killua chokes out.

"Hear me out. I'm telling you what happened that night. What was going through my head." Gon's voice was a monotone, further adding to the fear that clawed at Killua.

"I don't—" Killua's fists were clenched. He stands up. "I don't care, Gon. I don't want to hear it." 

"Then you cut us off." Gon continues. "Saying maybe we were the reason the girl was hurt. And that _thing_ was healing her." Gon eyes were blank, his golden eyes were now grey and uncaring, void of warmth and him. "That was stupid. There was no way that thing would heal someone. No way that thing _cared._ "

"What are you trying to achieve?" Killua says, he was trembling with anger. "Gon. Answer me."

"I told you didn't I? You weren't listening?" Gon stands up. Even voiding himself of emotions wasn't going to save himself from how he was going to hurt Killua again. But there was a need, there was a space in their friendship now. And the only way to stitch it back was to reopen the wound and make it bleed. It didn't make sense. He breathes in, readying himself to say the breaking point.

"Did it really mean nothing to you?" 

Killua's body froze. Hands previously shaking came to a pause, knuckles white from the death grip. 

"What the hell is wrong with you." Killua sneers.

"Am I wrong?" Gon asks. Killua's head contorts in fear as he remembers the eyes Gon had then—he wearing them now. "Tell me. What did you feel that night, Killua."

"No." 

"No?"

"What do you want from me?!" Killua screams, every ounce of his being bubbled in pent up fear, anger, and rage.

"What you felt. I want to know. You didn't deny it. Did it mean nothing—" Gon was lifted by his shirt. Killua crumpled the fabric in his fist.

"One more. One more word. I swear." He hisses, the eyes that looked at Gon was one he didn't recognize. 

"Did you have it easy—" a punch, throwing Gon away to the mud. He rolled helplessly. Before he could get up Killua was already onto him, straddling him, pining him down.

"You wanna do this, Gon?" He inches close, smelling the blood on Gon's mouth. "Because if you're thinking I'm gonna hold back," he raises a fist. "You're dead wrong." 

The sound of bone snapping echoed. Followed by flesh on flesh. Gon waits, letting Killua hit him. Left, right, left, left, right. Killua still held back. His punches weren't even going to bruise. No matter how much he's going to push him, he will never ever fight Gon to the pretense of wanting to injure him seriously.

Gon's eyes start to water. 

"You—" Punch. "—fucking" Punch. "Asshole!" A blow. Much harder than the others. 

"I did everything I could—" Gon realizes Killua is crying, the rain mixing his tears. He had to stop himself from wiping them off. "Everything." Killua chokes, raising a fist. "And you tell me," he grabs Gon's shirt by the collar. "You tell me that I have it easy!" Killua fakes a laugh, it was hollow and echoed misery.

"I almost _died."_ At this, Gon's act was broken. Shattering into a million pieces.

"What?" Gon cries, mouth gaping and brown eyes wide. His eyes were back to normal, but Killua was already in too deep.

"Yeah, asshole. I was bleeding to death, I had twenty holes all over my body, leaking blood on each. And!" He angles his face to Gon, making sure the man saw him say the words, his grip tightening on his collar. "And all I was thinking about was you!" 

Gon looked at the other boy before him. Spilling everything he never knew. He blinks as tears, or maybe the rain, dropped on his cheeks. 

"Yeah, coated in blood and dying. Couldn't even utter a moan. And all I thought about is how I failed you." He drags the collar up, Gon's head hovering the mud.

"I was dead. I was dead!" Killua's lips trembled. "But Ikalgo saved me. And after I wake up, I check on you first!" 

"K-Killua—" 

"No. You wanted this? You wanted to see just how rotten and broken I am inside right? Right, Gon?! Isn't this what you want?! For me to spill my guts just so your curiosity would be sated and you can tell me you're sorry because you didn't know?! Ha?!" Killua challenged.

Killua knew. From the very moment it escaped his lips, he knew what Gon was trying to do.

"You don't have a clue, Gon." He whispers. It was much worse, Killua whispering, his breath coming in short gasps as he tries to make his mouth form words. "Not a fucking clue..."

"I—"

"You tell me I had it easy. That it doesn't mean anything...You. _You._ The one who showed me things could be great. Friends are possible and that I can be loved. _You._ Gon." Killua drops his head on Gon's chest, grip on his collar unwavering.

"You were the last person...I ever expected to hear those words from."

"I'm sor—" 

"No. Don't you dare apologize to me right now." 

"Killua—"

"Gon! Don't you dare—!"

"Why won't you just be honest with me?!" Gon snapped. His emotions were boiling hot. It was the wrong thing to say, but it felt right.

"What?" Killua spit.

"That's all I ever want. You, telling me how you really feel." Tears streamed down his eyes now. "Tell me if I hurt you because half the time I don't know how rough my hands are. Tell me if you feel like I don't care because I _do._ Tell me if I say something stupid because I don't always think about what I say! I didn't know! With my mind being all hazy, I thought you were defending Pitou! It came to me as you not wanting to revenge Kite!" Gon's tears flowed, it was Killua's turn to not notice his mouth was hanging open.

"Tell me if I ever mishear you because I'm a bad listener sometimes. Tell me if I don't understand you because I want to! Tell me if you're hurting anywhere because I'm always here for you, Killua." Killua was tongue tied. Rain was all he could hear when Gon paused. His ears were ringing and his heart wanted to claw it's way out of his chest.

"Tell me if you ever feel like I don't love you because I do, Killua. I do."

The world stops.

"I love you."

He finally gives. Crying, bawling, and not a care in how he sounds. For the first time, he was able to let it all go in front of Gon. The dam inside Killua breaking open in audible sounds of his cry.

"You— fucking— idiot." He says between sobs. 

They were both crying. The two felt helpless, stupid.

At how much they let unresolved things hung in the air. How much words they kept inside their hearts in fear of breaking the masks they both put on.

"You fucking idiot. You have no idea," Killua was shaking him. Gon reaches out, holding Killua's wrists.

"You have no idea how much —" Killua sobs.

"I have a lot of people I care about now—and I will never ever betray them—I wouldn't hurt them—I wouldn't ever want them to get hurt." Then he stares at Gon, eyes red from crying. It was the first time Gon ever saw Killua so vulnerable and raw.

"And then there's _you._ Walking over boundaries, making me ask myself if this is how you're supposed to feel with a _friend_ when I only feel all these things with you! It makes my head hurt—why was it so different—why was a smile from Leorio different from a smile from _you_ idiot—" Killua shivers, swallowing and allowing himself to breathe.

"You have no idea! No fucking idea—" 

Gon stared at him.

"How much I fucking love you—you have no idea—You idiot—idiot—"

He doesn't even realize that Gon kissed him. Their mouths moving like they've been doing this all the time. Their tears mixing and moans and sobs they couldn't identify.

Gon clenches his eyes, feeling lightheaded from the intensity Killua's lips brought. Salt and blood mixed. But it didn't matter, he could still taste Killua.

Killua kissed Gon like he was gasping for air, and Gon kissed back like he was falling and Killua was the only thing he could grab on. 

It was a tangle of wild beautiful mess, with mud all over their faces, blood on their mouths but still they explore each other. 

Gon didn't know what he would say after that confession. So he lets his lips and touch say all that he didn't have words for.

Something akin to fire started at the pit of Gon's stomach, something that said a lot like, _more more more._

He explored Killua's mouth, trying to find every crevice he could latch his tongue onto. His hands roamed Killua's body, the way his hand fit the nape of the other boy's neck, the way his arm joined the curve of Killua's waist, and the way his hand could cup the back of Killua's neck so he could kiss him deeper. It awakens something inside Gon, something alive. Something he didn't quite have a name for. But he knew everything it wanted had Killua's name in bold red letters. 

His head spun from everything he felt. The sheer thought that something like this manifested from the depth of his being, literally his very soul telling him that this man—this person, is so right for him. 

He wonders at the back of his mind if Killua felt the same.

But the way Killua was digging his nails on Gon's skin, and the way he moaned onto his mouth was more than enough. Killua was just as desperate to get _closer_  to his skin even if it was impossible at this point as Gon was. 

How lucky, from all these stars, all these people, that they find themselves in a tangle of limbs, lost in each other with both having this beast inside of them that wanted nothing but the man kissing the sanity out of them.

Gon stops the kiss. Killua's stare lingered at his lips before looking at the man in front of him. Gon slightly adjusts Killua to a sitting position, still both panting from the air they took from each other.

Stopping the kiss was the last thing he ever wanted to do. But he had to do it, so he could see just how far they're willing to go. How far Killua would let him. How far Killua would want to.

It was a bizarre night.

Every inevitable thing they tried to hide from each other was spilling its guts out.

So he looks at the man before him, the man that makes his limbs weak in just a stare.

"Killua," Gon says, touching Killua's cheek, dried with tears and blood and dirty rain. It didn't matter.

"Killua, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for purposely hurting you. But this is-- I-- I want you." Killua lets out a shaky sigh.

"I told you, don't you dare apologize to me right now." And this time, Killua's the one to close the space between them, crashing their lips again.

There were rainbows, and sunsets.

There were lights and stars.

Then there's Killua.

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
